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Insight #2 Loving and loyal relationships naturally lead to commitment because sexual desire is not just a physical need; it’s also an emotional, intellectual and even spiritual need.
No question about it, chastity--sex only in marriage--has become the forgotten virtue. The words, morality and chastity have become politically incorrect, generating anger like the use of profanity used to in the old days, "Whose morality? How dare you impose your morality upon me! How dare you attempt to tell me what I ought to be doing? Chastity? You can’t be serious; no one believes in that anymore."
I recall a stimulating talk with a bright, energetic businessman. During our conversation, he asked, "What are you writing about?"
"It’s a book on the value of chastity," I said. After a brief silence, he said, "I thought that went out with the dark ages."
A few days later I was having lunch with a very successful career woman, discovering how little we had in common. She was career first/ family second--which never happened. I was family first/career second. We did have a few things in common: a love of nature, horses, and meaningful films. We had both lived through the raging propaganda of the Sexual Revolution. She converted, and I probably would have if not for a stroke of fate that changed my life. I met my future husband and overnight the idea of love and marriage was in fashion.
The conversation was clipping along when she asked, "What are you writing?"
Despite our differences we’d managed to disagree agreeably; I wanted to keep it that way. To tell the truth, I was a little bit intimidated by this woman and desperately wanted to answer, "Oh, the need for recycling and other environmental concerns," but my integrity was at stake.
"Actually," I stammered, "right now I’m researching for a book on healthy and unhealthy love relationships. . ."
"Sounds good," she responded, "we certainly need that."
"Well. . .specifically, it will show the difference between having sex and making love, or the value of moral discipline in promoting healthy love relationships. The bottom line is that it’s a case for chastity."
She smiled that look big sisters give to their little know-nothing siblings, and asked, "You’re joking, right? Why would anyone be against sex?"
"Who said anything about being against sex?" I asked.
"I thought chastity meant celibacy, and celibacy means no sex. I’ve always thought it was a part of the whole religious self-deprivation thing--you know like those who eat mush, work all day in the hot sun, and sleep on boards."
"Well," I began, "there will always be extremists, but chastity isn’t celibacy. Celibacy means no sex while chastity means holding out for the best."
"You make it sound like chastity can actually mean better sex."
"Chastity can mean better everything--especially better sex. For instance, you could pig out on junk food all day long if you wanted to, so why wait for something better?"
"The anticipation of a great meal?"
"Right. That’s what they didn’t tell us in the seventies--discipline of the passions could increase sexual fulfillment. There’s been a high price for free love."
"So you’re saying that people should wait for what--marriage?" "Well, technically, chastity means sex only-in-marriage, but my point is to promote loving and loyal relationships that naturally lead to commitment, and yes, a legal relationship. Sexual desire is not just a physical need; it’s also an emotional, intellectual and even spiritual need. We’ve bought into the idea that it’s all just biological, but it’s so much more than that. Making love isn’t just a physical workout; it’s the whole purpose of life--to make love to one another! The physical act is only part of it. True lovers are making love the whole day through, whether they are washing clothes, preparing dinner, or listening to music together--it’s all making love. Those who reduce it down to a romp will never know such a symphony of lovemaking. You could say it’s holistic intimacy, not simply intercourse of body, but intercourse of mind, heart, and soul. That’s why the one night stands aren’t fulfilling--they never fulfill all the desires."
She looked confused, then asked, "How can it be wrong to love?" "Casual sex isn’t love; it’s usually exploitation," I answered.
"Well, we would disagree on that one," she argued. "The way I see it, it’s wonderful to have the ultimate closeness with someone you care about."
"That’s the problem," I said, "it usually begins with a warm feeling of closeness and ends with a cold feeling of separateness. Are you still friends with any of these lovers you’ve had?"
"One," she said. "He’s living at my apartment right now--we’re still great friends, but we’ve learned to leave the sex out."
"Precisely my point," I said, "fulfillment doesn’t come with lovers. It comes with love."
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